I'm going to get my lunch.įans Of Roman city-building games must feel like they've been invaded by a procession of near-simultaneous Christmases. Meanwhile, thanks to a catalogue of catastrophic decisions, unemployment and illness are running amok in my townsfolk. She just asked you whether you worked well as part of a team, and you went "I LIKE BOOBIES" and chased her around the desk. And that woman on the left? That's your interviewer. That's you on your best behaviour, because you've got a job interview.
whimsical dice-rolling bastards? 11:55 Take That, Jupiter Can I have a bit of grain please? I am Caesar after all, and my tummy really aches." Then Jupiter gets the arse, about quite literally god-knows-what It's enough to drive a loyal subject to rebellion. Inspecting the rest of my buildings, it B seems that Jupiter went proper crazy- B berserk on my town. Also, people are sneezing everywhere, so I build a doctor's office and look for a Fitness First in the big menus. I check my row of temples, and the daft tart's only gone and ightning-ed his own chapel. 11:20 Doctor, Doctor.Īfter leaving the computer for a while to attend to myself in the toilets, cafeterias and hot tubs of our luxurious office complex, I return to find that Jupiter has vented some considerable wrath on a couple of my Wildings. If this petulant approach to town planning seems unprofessional, you haven't seen my blueprints for a massive statue of Caesar going cross-eyed with his arse hanging out. I'm so keen to show Rome who the new grain-growing daddy in the Empire is, that I build grain fields well into the night. I'll build more grain fields than could be strategically useful. Carry on like this and you may reach mediocrity." Ruddy cheek! 10:15 Dusky Springfield Rome seems perky, and tells me: "You are no longer failing. I find more fertile land and quickly grow some grain. I check my goals and find that sure enough, cows have nothing to do with it. I took that time to fill my fields with adorable cows, to see if you can hear them moo when you zoom in really close. They want grain, and plenty of it Now, I curse the freedom I was given earlier. 10:00 I'm Only Happy When It's GrainĪfter fannying about for some minutes with equal gusto and aplomb, word comes from Rome. I turn my attention, grudgingly, to basic health and water supply. I think I may well have A been jumping ahead of myself here. As it turns out, the pleb classes couldn't give a toss about books, and are too ill to be bothered with the amphitheatre. This is possibly a mistake - the rowdy crowds will go screaming past the library on match I days, causing all the librarians to furrow their brows. I've built the library between the amphitheatre and the plebs' homes. Temples are wicked as." 9:45 Libraries Gave Us Power I can imagine it now: "As you can see, Caesar, I've built loads of temples and there's a couple of ace wells too." And Caesar would say: "That's well holy, is that. I reckon, as long as I can bluff it when you get a visiting dignitary, I'll be OK. I reason that a mayor's town will fail or thrive not on whether its buildings have adequate resources within their spheres of influence. With refreshingly little direction from the game, I start building everything I possibly can. As my wrist swings from the monitor to my face, Reverend Bojangles looks around and replies in a cruel sneer "Crush them all, Mr Blyth, they are disposable nothings from ill stock." 9.36 That Ol' Time Religion When the game tells me the area isn't desirable enough for plebs, I put on a glove puppet and say, in a posh voice, "Picky swine, these plebs". That's apparently the proper name for them, ( and they don't mind it at all. There isn't one, so I build a few small houses for some plebs. On autopilot a little, I try to build a town hall.
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It looks like Caesar has given me a free road to start off my town. This was 5O-odd years before the Christian god done a Jesus, and those old-time deities are really making the most of it. As the mayor of a small town, you'll instead be overseeing the construction of your buildings, receiving messages from Rome saying, "We want grain, we're really hungry", and dealing with Jupiter getting narky and burning down your apothecary. Which is what Emperors do, for your information. So this game isn't about randy carpet sex with Egyptians and rolling around in milk and filling his fiddle with horse piss. The First Thing is, you don't play Caesar.
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